Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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