I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
