I only kidnapped one of them. chill
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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