First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
