So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize