Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
