Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
