Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
