while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize