I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
