Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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