the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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