then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
