How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
