at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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