I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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