Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
