Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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