Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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