yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
