brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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