I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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