Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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