at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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