Your tits are I can't wait for
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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