there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
