Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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