There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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