Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
