Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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