Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
