I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
