You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
