If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
