and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
