i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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