Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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