I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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