***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
