Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
