Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
