No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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