Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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