dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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