If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
