i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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