so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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