All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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