lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
