Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
