I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
