theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Blood and glitter go together right?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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