so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
