Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
