Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
