i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
