I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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