i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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