My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize