Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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