Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
